From Saint To Sinner

Narcissist.  Psychopath.  Sociopath.  Gaslighting.  Abuse.

Words that two years ago I would have glanced at with likely no reaction.  Just words.  Now each one cuts like a knife.

When I met him, there was nothing that could have convinced me any of these things would be a part of the relationship we were about to have.  He was kind.  He was charming.  He was generous.  He liked all the same things I did!  He wanted the same future.  Sure he was willing to sleep with me the first time we met despite the fact that he had a girlfriend (I did not let that happen) at the time, but they had a "bad relationship" she was "crazy" and I somehow brushed that under the rug.  The first red flag I ignored. 

Emotional abuse is a funny thing.  There are no visible scars.  Most of the time you don't even realize it's happening before it's too late.  Friends started pointing it out to me close to the end.  "You're being gaslighted" my roommate said after listening to my stories about our arguments.  "He is emotionally abusing you...you do realize that, right?" another friend told me.  What??? I remember thinking.  What is she talking about?  I was even a little offended and I started looking online for ways to disprove what they had said.  I couldn't.  I proceeded to read everything I could find about gaslighting and emotional and psychological abuse.  Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that abusers use to sow seeds of doubt in someone to make them question their own memory, perception and sanity.  Eventually you no longer believe your own thoughts and feelings about any situation are real or valid, and you look to your abuser for an edited truth.  When I found stories of exactly what was going on in my relationship, almost verbatim, I knew it was true.  I remember feeling so embarrassed.  So destroyed.  I am a strong woman, how could I have let this happen?  

Things started out great.  He loved me so much...or rather, knew what love was supposed to look like and tried doing and saying all the right things to get me to believe he loved me.  He wanted to move in together (we did).  I was the love of his life and we were going to get engaged within the year.  My life was finally panning out the way I had hoped it was, and with the perfect partner.  Until he wasn't.  

Any time I had an issue that I wanted to discuss in the relationship, whether it was something he did that hurt me, or something I wanted to address about our relationship to make it better, it was a huge problem.  He didn't want to talk about it.  He didn't want to talk about it in the morning.  He didn't want to talk about it when he came home from work.  I must have tried dozens of different ways and time to bring things up to him to accommodate what I thought was just him not being great at dealing with problems.  Each one was wrong and I was berated for even trying to different degrees.  I never felt resolved.  Never felt like he actually cared about what I was saying...never a commitment to change or work on things.  Never any sign of remorse.  Somehow each time I brought something up, I was also the one who ended up apologizing, even if he was the one who misbehaved.  I was constantly apologizing for having human emotional responses to (what I later learned was) his neglect and abuse.  I was always the one trying to look for ways to improve the relationship, to make things better.  And yet, over time he had me believing that I WAS always overreacting, when really I was just catching on to the truth about what he was.

He had me so convinced that my reactions to his being a terrible person were so inappropriate that I willingly put myself into therapy.  How could I learn to be OK with what he wants?  How could I learn to be OK with him going out without me, ignoring my calls...why am I so needy?  My therapist struggled with her advice to me even then; I imagine she couldn't full understand why I wanted to work so hard just to continue to be mistreated and ignored.  I defended him to her (and everyone).  I probably left things out that would have been an immediate red flag for her, allowing her to tell me I was in an abusive relationship.  The truth is I do have my own issues...issues that I openly discuss with my partner and work on overcoming and understanding.  He knew about them and knew just how to exploit my insecurities and to hit me where it really hurt.  The even bigger truth I know now is why would I WANT to be OK with his behavior?  He would occasionally ask about my sessions...once he even asked how he could be of help.  When I gave him an answer, he not only made fun of me, but of my therapist.  He made fun of the self help books I was reading to try to understand him.  I did SO much work to try to understand and be better...and now I know it was all useless.  

In public, he was extremely affectionate.  Since I was constantly riding this emotional roller coaster he kept me on, any time he would say a kind thing or show me any amount of affection (especially towards the end) I ate it up like I was starving for his attention, because I was, without consciously recognizing it.  Even if we were fighting, if we were around other people that knew us he would go out of his way to make his "love" for me public, so no one would ever suspect what was going on behind closed doors.  No one would ever suspect the cheating, the lying, the brainwashing, the name calling, the belittling.  I was an idiot.  I was stupid.  My face was stupid when I was looking at him for a response to whatever question or issue I had brought up with desperation, pleading for him to be compassionate and try to understand why I was hurting.

I now know to trust my instinct.  If something seems off, it probably is. It has taken me time to realize that the things he tried to get me to believe about myself aren't true.  I am a rational, trusting, compassionate woman who cares about her partner and wants to make him happy, but also who places an importance on my own values.  My reactions to being hurt by the person I loved were not only not overreactions, but beyond justified.  That's not how I felt in the relationship, however.  It was always my fault.  I was always overreacting.  Why did I have to be so dramatic about everything.  Not everything has to be a big deal!  

You're right.  It's not that big of a deal.  It's not a big deal that I planned a trip to meet you in Atlanta where you were supposed to pick me up from the airport at 5 am and instead you were 20 hours late.  You're right.  I'm sorry.  I am overreacting.  I shouldn't be hurt or upset.  If you were me you'd go enjoy the city for the day.  It's not a big deal that you told me you were working an event for a few hours one night that turned out to be a 5 day music festival in another city with another couple, that I wasn't invited to.  A couple I later found out (and always had a feeling, in the back of my mind) you were cheating on me with...in addition to the many others, of course.  You're right.  I'm sorry.  I am overreacting.  You knew that would happen if you told me the truth, so your lie to me is justified.  I deserved to be lied to.  It's not a big deal that you want to go out without me to a bar, typically several times a week, and when I start to worry because it's 1 am and I haven't heard from you because I'm trying to respect your "need for space" while my need for a partner that cares about my feelings - oh and doesn't sleep with other people - goes unheard again and my calls are ignored.  Declined.  I need to relax.  I'm sorry.  I'm overreacting.  I know where you are and who you're with (apparently, I didn't).  Why does it matter when you're coming home.  Why do I need to know everything.  Why am I so needy.  We live together, you're coming home.  ...Until the night you didn't.

When I came home from the doctor with chlamydia, I was beyond devastated.  Fortunately, I was symptom free, easily cured and I got to walk away physically unscathed.  The emotional side was not so simple.  I felt like I was in a movie...everything was spinning.  I came home shaking, so sure I finally knew the truth and was terrified, but ready to hear it from him firsthand and begin to move on with my life.  After a brief period of questioning him, begging him to tell me the truth and set me free if this is was what I had thought it was, he had me convinced it was from his distant past.  See, people like him cannot tell the truth; especially when the truth threatens to damage the image they project to the world of being a good person.  If he admitted he cheated, his girlfriend would leave him, his friends would find out, his image might be damaged.  He'd have no one to prey on.  He couldn't risk that.  He even had the nerve to suggest I had been the unfaithful one (classic).  We had never done the responsible thing (believe me, I won't make that mistake again) and gotten tested at the beginning of our relationship.  He had never done a responsible thing, period.  I was so desperate to believe this lie that I let the relationship continue.  I couldn't yet understand or entertain the thought that my boyfriend was secretly a monster, an emotional terrorist, and I should run away as fast as I could.  So I let him apologize...maybe the only apology I received during the course our relationship. I should have known and walked right then and there, but I didn't.  

The day that I first heard from someone else (months later) that he had cheated on me was the day I finally checked out.  I blocked his social media.  Started packing up his shit.  His reaction to my accusation  was "you're drunk."  "You're joking."  "Who are you talking to." "We can talk about this when I get back."  None of these are reactions of an innocent person, and this was just the tip of the iceberg.  He even said he was going to call me though he had spent months ignoring my phone calls any time I was upset as punishment for having any kind of emotional reaction to the abuse he was putting me through. Even up until the very end, the gaslighting, the emotional and verbal abuse, I'm the crazy one, how could I say these things.  "It's not like I hit you or anything" was an actual thing he said to me...more than once.

When I found out I felt some strange combination of the worst pain and betrayal I have ever felt and finally, some relief.  Relief because it all clicked into place.  All the lies.  All the deception.  All the telling me I was overreacting and what am I so worried about and I'm crazy for even thinking that.  It all made sense.  After researching like my life depended on it I realized he is actually a sociopath.  A narcissist.  Our entire relationship wasn't real.  The person I thought I was with isn't real.  He's an empty, shallow, evil facade of a human being.  The fact that the cheating started so early on in the relationship was maybe the hardest part for me to swallow.  I knew he had cheated on his exes, but he told me I was different (giant eye roll).  That he only did that when the relationship was practically over.  I told him that still isn't acceptable and if he ever wanted to cheat just to leave me, even through a text message.  He told me that would never be an issue; he'd never do that to me.  The more I read about his personality disorder(s) I realized the answer was a lot more simple than my mind was making it.  The answer is because he felt like it.  He saw something.  He wanted it.  He has no moral compass so thinking about how that would affect me or our relationship didn't even enter his brain.  He didn't carry around guilt.  He is entitled.  He deserved this.  It had nothing to do with me, and thinking about the fact that I DIDN'T deserve that was not even a glimmer of a thought in his mind.  He wasn't done with me yet, though, so leaving me wasn't an option.  There were a few times towards the end when he threatened our relationship's end over literally nothing other than a normal reaction to his bad behavior, but never left; there was still plenty he could take from me, and he would.  

He had "friends" who were complicit in the lies with him; in fact, some of them he was cheating on me WITH!  Friends who looked me in the eye.  Friends who invited me over to their house and said nothing...they were too far gone.  As much as I want to be upset at them, I know he has them under his spell too.  They will be discarded when he has no further use for them.  That's the pattern of a narcissist.  It's only a matter of time and I know that now.

I know many of you reading this that haven't ever experienced life with a sociopath/narcissist, (and likely many people in my life that heard me complaining) are thinking why did you stay in this so long?  Why did you let him treat you this way if it was that bad?  The answer is I didn't really understand it was happening.  It happens slowly and overtime.  Some people don't ever figure it out.  Narcissists spend the beginning of the relationship convincing you they are the perfect person for you.  They go out of their way to prove to you that they are amazing and will do anything for you.  As time goes on, that mask starts to slip and who they really are starts to slowly become more apparent.  You start to feel confused about the relationship and conversations you have with your partner.  You feel bad about yourself and you're not even really sure why.  Then the gaslighting and abuse that has been subtly managing you down for months, or years, creeps in and tells you you are overreacting and these are your issues, not his, and you need to get it together or you're going to lose this person (who at the time, I thought was the love of my life!).  You make excuses for them to your friends and family.  Your brain tells you you just need to work a little harder to get back to what it used to be, but the thing is it never will because that was never real.  You can't go back to a time when this fake person was still being fake to you because you have started to uncover the truth, whether you realize it yet or not.  There is no going back.  There is no getting better...because there was nothing really there to start with.

Emotional or psychological abuse is very gradual.  It's quiet.  Abusers are extremely manipulative, and they do not choose weak people to begin with, but they do choose honest and giving people they know they can con.  When I started seeing the words "narcissist" and "sociopath" pop up in the articles I read, I still wasn't able to accept the idea that I could have misjudged someone so drastically.  It wasn't until the truth started coming out from so many sources and his network of lies started crumbling around me as I was searching for my own answers to make the pain end that I realized he was all of these things.  Practically every single thing in these articles I was reading I had either experienced, or perfectly defined him:  

-I now know he has some MAJOR issues with the law and with following rules in general which I won't get into, but just know that if someone is willing to break rules in one aspect of their life, they are OK with doing it in others (cheating, lying, deceiving).  

-Substance abuse.  In his case it was alcohol.

-He was extremely irresponsible and could never follow through with his commitments

-He refused even the thought of going to therapy.  Narcissists believe on a deep level that they are truly better than everyone else, so no one can help them.  They are experts on everything.

-He triangulated information between me and his friends...meaning he made sure he was the source of communication between me and them.  He controlled what I heard about the other person and visa versa, so he was able to manipulate us both into thinking whatever he wanted about the other person.  He did this with his exes too.  No doubt he has told many of his friends plenty of things about me and our relationship that were and are completely untrue in order to keep us from talking to each other and discovering the truth about his lies (I actually caught him in a few of these lies without even realizing it), or even simply to cover up his many other lies. 

-He is obsessed with his social media presence.  Narcissists have to create a kind and warm persona to lure people in; social media is the easiest way to do that these days, especially if you are attractive and have a built in audience of fans like he did.  The person he claims to be on there is the mask that he wears around most of his acquaintances and even the "friends" he thinks he has.  It's not until you really get to know a narcissist on an intimate level (as intimately as they allow) that their true colors start to show...which is when they have to get out. He would tell me the reason he didn't post any pictures of us was because he used social media for work.  One time he let slip that in the past, people contacted his exes and "wrongly accused" him of cheating on them.  Looking back of course, I realize that's exactly what he was desperately trying to avoid.

-He never took any responsibility...for ANYTHING!  Everything was someone else's fault, especially in our relationship (mine).

-He is a pathological liar.  Practically everything he had told me about his life and his past relationships was a lie.  One of the more (but not even the most!) horrific lies was that he told one of his exes his mother was dead...she is still very much alive, and likely has no idea about what her son is.  

-He has no real empathy.  Feels no real love or connection...to anyone.  His past is a trail of destruction.  From abandoned friends and family members to devastated ex girlfriends...all with the same story.  He came.  He used.  He lied about everything (some probably never even learned the truth and might even blame themselves to this day).  He cheated.  He discarded them.  He felt nothing.  

-He was always the victim...his ex girlfriends/ex friends were the "crazy" ones.  

I'm probably the crazy one now...even though these people knew me.  Why are we so quick to believe men that say this?  Why did I not wonder what he did to his exes to drive them to the desperation he callously labeled "crazy"?  Why did I not pay more attention to the fact that every relationship ended in him leaving as quickly and quietly as he could and then obsessively doing damage control so his exes wouldn't expose them for the twisted individual that he is?  How could I have been so unbelievably blind?

The word "narcissist" is thrown around casually and often these days.  Not all narcissists are sociopaths, but all sociopaths are narcissists.  I've used these terms interchangeably because he was both.  Most people don't understand what a true narcissist actually is...I didn't.  It's so much more than someone that's overly into their appearance.  There is nothing innately evil about that.  Narcissists are definitely evil.  They are calculating.  They manipulate and abuse whoever will let them and don't look back as they leave behind burned bridges and broken people.  That's why they are so charming; they have to be.  If anyone ever saw them for what they truly were, they would be alone and cast out of society.  Narcissists have a deep seeded hatred and jealousy towards those who can experience love and empathy, because they never will.  While I would never wish what I went through on anyone, I do wish more people understood...REALLY understood.  I wish everyone was educated about these personality disorders so they can learn to spot them in the world and not fall prey to them...even though by definition that's extremely difficult. I wish these people were visibly different than you and I, but they aren't.  They look just like everyone else, they even appear genuinely nicer than the average person and remember, they have survived life thus far by destroying others.

I am nowhere near done recovering.  I still have difficulty some days accepting that this really happened.  That he really did these things and is really that person.  That this life we had together is gone and was never really there.  I still struggle with blaming myself because of  the months of abuse I endured believing that everything was my fault.  I know I am fortunate that it was only a year and a half; I know plenty of people are stuck in 30 year marriages and even have children with these monsters.  For that I am definitely grateful.  

Narcissists aren't always romantic partners; they can be anyone in your life.  If you or anyone you know is going through this, I cannot encourage you enough to seek support and help.  Cut off contact with this person immediately.  Read up on these disorders and really educate yourself about what these people are.  Know this was not your fault; you were conned by someone that has spent their entire life perfecting their craft.  You have been hurt, but you are not broken.  You didn't deserve this, and you do deserve love.  My heart goes out to everyone that has experienced this before me and to everyone who will go through this after me.  You are not alone.  There are people in your life right now that are there for you, and that's more than your Narcissist can truly say.  You cannot let  these people change you.  Stay strong, educate yourself, and forgive yourself.  

I still have a long way to go, but I now know (again) that I am worthy of love.  I know I deserve to be with someone who listens to me and cares about my concerns and wants to work on building a relationship WITH me.  I know I deserve to be with someone who values honesty as much as I do.  Though this has definitely been a setback in the plan I had for my life, in the end I know I'll come out a stronger, better person than I was before all of this.  I know that unlike him, I am capable of really giving myself to someone and truly loving another; and if I can love that train wreck of a human and come out the other side, I can do anything.